June 19, 2009

There are days when I wish the world revolved around me. That people didn’t share horrible truths and the world didn’t need to crush my will. All of this is irrational and childish, living is more of burden--then I anticipated.

I wish I was different. Blind, Deaf, and Dumb. At least then I wouldn’t have to think, feel or know. I wouldn’t have to deal with real feelings, which well up into the tsunami of tears that fill my eyes- at this very moment. I wish my pain didn’t feel so poetic, something to be admired.

I’m trapped in a corpse of a body that I don’t deserve or own. A false bed of smiles and cheer is all I have that which should comfort me while I drown with pity and self-mutilation. What have I done now?

Everything marked with a “+” is a positive and happy thing.

Everything marked with a “-“is a negative and horrible thing!

Life:

+ I’m still currently alive. Lol.

+ My mom finally might let me paint the bathroom

+ Going to get back to working on my knitting.

+ Going  to go and spend some time writing.

+ Since my adventures in healthier living, I have more energy

-  Getting easily bored with everything.

- Totally nothing to do where I live. Except for shop—even that gets painfully dull.

Marriage:

+ Mike still drives me crazy, and I seem to still care. I suppose I still love the douche bag. LOL

+ Ina couple of months, I will be married for three years. Amazingly, Mike has lived this long.

+ The sex is good.

-  Mike does not want to do anything on his day off. But he has no problem making me do them. Such as cleaning the room, and moving my bed.

- We do not have enough sex.

- Still no child. 2 years of failed attempts, and triumphant success of others near us.  By the way my cousin is naming his first child India. (I have so many comments, but they sound so racist. Unintentional really, but damn)

Weight Loss:

+ Have a lot more energy.

+ Lost a little weight so far.

+ Just need to start exercising more.

- Eating healthy does not always taste the best. Some days, I honestly crave fat. Lol. Is that possible?

- Had too much fat somewhere today. Now I am paying for it.  I did not think there was that much fat in  Mac-and-Cheese.

- Sometimes I give in to my cravings. Then again if you have only a ¼ cup of oatmeal with a  few fruit chunks, you would reach for a special K (Mocha Latte) bar.

School:

+ Schoool will be starting soon.

- One of my classes was canceled. I have no clue why! But now any of the other classes are filled. Is that not just awesome?!?!

- Short a class now. I have no interest in the things I need to take.

Random:

- Friendships are random and feeble things.

- People strange belief that “I’m sorry” works.  That once it is said, it erases everything nasty you have said.

- World of Warcraft is boring, but it is just the grinding. Lol.

I’m playing my HAPPY music, before LOSE my mind.

I HATE group projects, because no one is as SERIOUS as you are.

I’m more than DISAPPOINTED, when half the group can’t seem to get together.

What is 25% of MY grade?

I have an A-, so it can go EITHER way.

I FEEL like my personal life is going to HELL.

For numerous reasons, which never really MATTER anymore.

I can’t WAIT for this semester to be over so I can re-evaluate this PHENEMON.

All I really WANT to do is DRINK!

Not till the POINT where I am beyond stupid, but till the point I am SASTIFIED.

What I wouldn’t GIVE for some of that.

I’m PATIENT.

Perhaps, if I TWIDDLE my thumbs, it will COME.

OPTIMISTIC SARCASM, this is what I have come to, in the END.

My school list:

-Russian Lit paper (On books, I have not even read yet)

- 17^th Century Lit paper (I have read these materials.)

- One Cultural Geography exam

- One 17^th Century Lit exam

- History of Mass Communications paper (Which I have planned out)

I have been sick off and on for the past few days.

Might go to movies with Mike, tomorrow.

Bought a huge box of gushers.

Disgusted with people who think they can style themselves.

Excessive amounts of school work.

I had a really weird dream last night/this morning.

It was a mixture of the "Invasion of the Body Snatcher", "Slither", and every zombie movie you could think of at this point. The dream itself was not overly frightening, but the feelings that it left afterwards. I don't know how it will end, because people kept waking me up--so I doubt I will ever finish it. Indeed it will be a gem, because it is the first time I ever incorporated Mike into a dream.


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Totally finding my husband annoying with the whole World of Warcraft thing. I can not seem to get on without him whining that he wants to be on. Sometimes that is after him sitting through a few hours of playing.(To the point that he ignores me, sleeps to all odd hours, and gets far too grumpy when I ask him if he is getting off -so we can have us time-)

Alas, maybe I should stop playing, and find another way to amuse myself. Especially if he is going to be brattish it about it.